August 15, 2007 On Isaac's 2nd Birthday
I’m an addictive person. I have lots of bad habits that I’m always trying to break, and I’m usually looking for help and inspiration. I thought turning 30 would be the impetus for cleaning up everything in my life; later I thought Kari’s pregnancy would do it; then it was Isaac’s birth. These were all just more moments in a long list of promising, but ultimately failed, life-changing opportunities. Of course, external prodding can only go so far. We all know that the ultimate motivation to change has to be internal.
I have finally found the motivation to change my life, in a way that surprised me. The thing that finally did it, oddly enough, was when Isaac started putting words together. When it became clear that he was no longer just mimicking sounds, but actually expressing thoughts, I finally truly realized my responsibility as a parent. I understood, deep down, what I always knew intellectually: that he is looking at me, every minute of every day, as his template for how life is supposed to be lived. I only get one chance to show him, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to screw that up.
I have to teach him, by my example, what’s really important in this world. My words later on won’t mean a thing to him if he hasn’t grown up seeing the truth in my own life. For me, this is the greatest joy and hope that children bring to the world – not only the rebirth of the species with every new generation, but also the improvement of the older generations. I can’t teach him what I don’t know.
So, T-mo, here are the things that are important to me. These are the things I hope to teach you by living them myself.
Be peaceful. Respect yourself and others. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally, and do the same for the people you care about. Enjoy what you have, and work for what you don’t. Do work that you love. Be grateful. Be generous. Know what’s important to you and what isn’t. Laugh as often as possible. Let yourself love, and start by loving yourself. Value your friends and family, but don’t cling to them – they will change, as you will. Remember that the things valued by society – money, fashion, security, novelty – are all superficial; the true value of these things lies in what they point to inside you. Be honest with yourself.
On your first birthday, someone asked me (on video, no less) what advice I’d like to give the older Isaac. I didn’t know what to say, so he gave me a specific scenario: What do you say when your mate asks the dreaded question, “Does this make me look fat?” I stammered something silly, because I couldn’t think with everyone staring at me like that. But here’s what I wish I had said: If you have a healthy relationship, then you can be honest. If you feel that you have to lie to your mate, then there are other problems you need to address.
Above all, remember that the world is a magical place. Magic comes in lots of different forms, and though they may not all be fun, they're all pretty wonderful. Don't forget to be amazed.
In the last few months, without knowing it, you’ve helped me fix a lot of things. I’ve finally quit smoking for real. I’ve quit caffeine, gotten sugar under control, and started working out again. I’ve taken time off from work for the first time in years, and loved spending that time with you. I’ve purged the house of a lot of junk that just wasn’t important enough to keep. I’ve reconnected with some old friends and family who are important to me. I’ve turned down a job making a lot more money because it wasn’t something I’m passionate about. I’ve been more peaceful, more productive, and just downright happier than I have been in years. This is because of you, and it’s for you. Happy birthday, buddy.
photo: Jeff Tobin
